


this turbulence wasn't forecasted (apologies from the intercom)

by nbsherlock



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Gen, be safe be careful, but there is a moment where taako idealizes his situation with sazed even though it was unhealthy, i guess, julia is only mentioned i just want to give that disclaimer as to not get anyones hopes up, not apologetic towards sazed in any measure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 17:38:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10621842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nbsherlock/pseuds/nbsherlock
Summary: "as long as we're together, i don't care where we are, you know that," taako murmurs.





	

**Author's Note:**

> just a quick taako character study i wrote on my cellular device. title from last words of a shooting star by mitski. explanation in the end notes. (also read the tags be safe.)

he messed up. he knows he did. snapped too fast for no good reason at all and now what? is he supposed to apologize? (gods, he wishes someone had given him a runthrough on this. too much time moving and no time at all stagnating like he is now; absolutely no knowledge on how to patch up relationships after he tears them apart tooth and nail.)

and he did, he tore it apart. he can feel shreds of it under his fingernails and between his teeth. he closes his eyes and remembers the look of confusion on magnus's face. like he wanted to say, "what's going on? i've never seen you like this before."

and taako would shout, scream until his voice went hoarse, "yeah? you don't like this version of me? do you hate me? are you finally going to hate me?" and push and shove until magnus did. until he did hate him. 

but that didn't happen. it was just that look of confusion, tinged with betrayal. he hated it. it made his teeth itch, his hands shake. like he wanted to punch something, the residual anger still not flushed out. 

with sazed, it was easier. (and what a loaded thought that is. like things with him were ever easy.) he would get angry back and push back and they would scream at eachother and then taako would apologize. he was always the one to apologize. 

but begging for forgiveness after fucking things up was better than this. waiting for magnus to come back because he-- for the life of him-- cannot bring himself to apologize when there wasn't a fight. when the other person doesn't bite back. 

he sits in his room folding his hands together. it's so quiet. usually there's a space taken up by magnus or someone else and now it's just empty air. 

he stares at his hands. almost dainty, though thick fingered, breakable, fragile. he pictures magnus reaching out and crushing them in his grip. 

he pictures magnus growling out, the sound like nails coming up his throat, "what's wrong with you? why are you like this?"

taako puts a hand over his mouth and struggles to breathe. maybe if he just pictures it, the apology will come easier. maybe he can fix this. maybe there doesn't have to be a fight. 

magnus would look... scared. no. angry. he'd look angry. his face would flush and his eyes would well up. no. gods. fuck. he'd flush and grab taako by the shirt and say, 

he'd say. 

what did sazed always say?

"you're useless without me," magnus would say. "you know you'd be nothing without me and the rest of the bureau. you'd just be an idiot chef who can't even cook because he's afraid he's going to kill everyone he loves-"

taako breathes. 

sazed said, magnus would say,

"we should just kick you out. lock you up somewhere where you can't hurt anyone anymore."

the scar tissue around his eye would stand in stark contrast to his skin. magnus's shoulders would shake with sobs. except, no. no they wouldn't. he's angry. isn't he?

he would punch him in the face. (he wouldn't.) he would. and tell him he was worthless. he'd leave him. he would. taako would be alone again. 

and with that thought, the world shrinks down to the size of a box. crowds him into fetal position. he'd be alone again. (isn't that what you want?) no. (yes.) yes?

magnus would hate him. he would finally hate him, like everyone ends up doing. it would all be okay. 

taako has to apologize. 

\--

he barrels down the hallway, mumbling under his breath, "i'm sorry, i'm sorry." (practicing?) no. just saying it. 

he spots magnus before magnus sees him. he's talking to carey and he looks... tired? sad? (isn't he angry at you?) yes, he is. taako has to apologize, now. 

"magnus!" he shouts. too loud, it echoes. magnus stares at him with that same look of confusion. his stomach churns. 

he takes long strides across the room before coming to a standstill in front of him. carey has the same look of confusion that magnus does. (what?) don't know. 

"magnus. mango. maggie. can i talk to you, big guy?"

magnus blanches. "i don't know if that's a good idea, taako."

(does he already hate you?) no. he can fix this. he can make this right. he just has to apologize. 

a vision: taako's fists beating against magnus's chest. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. 

he laughs, "why not, bud?"

magnus looks away. (oh gods.) carey tilts her head and says, "why don't you talk to him later, huh?" something is off about her tone. taako can't tell what. (she hates you too.) she doesn't. or, if she does, taako can still apologize. 

something sharp stabs him in the back of his head. something like a memory. same eyes, same grin, same-- "do you think she hates me, taako?" (no) "she said she has to give me away because i'm getting too old, but i think it's because i yelled at her." (no, she just-) "i can still apologize, and she'll keep us. i know she will. i know how much you love her, taako, i don't want you to have to go too. i can just say i'm sorry."

he comes back to himself, hands shaking as he grips the bottom of his sweater. "i just wanted to-"

"why don't you go, taako," carey says. her voice is sharp, like a memory. 

he goes. 

\--

the churning in his stomach worsens and worsens. it's spreading like a virus now-- a pang of anger, let it go-- this hatred of him. soon he'll be gone again and he'll have to start over. 

he stares at the ceiling on his cot. he closes his eyes and prays to a diety he doesn't believe in. 

magnus knocks on his door. 

"um," he says. "can i come in?"

taako nods before remembering magnus can't see him. "yes." 

magnus opens the door and walks in like he's walking through quicksand. like he's sinking into something deadly. (isn't he?) no. 

"you wanted to talk to me earlier?"

taako sits up. he blinks and says, "i'm sorry." it echoes in his own head, sounds blank, emotionless. he repeats himself, "i'm sorry."

magnus sits and looks down at his nails, painted deep blue. two days ago magnus had said it reminded him of taako. "for?"

oh. what is he sorry for? (hurting him.) "hurting you."

magnus's eyes dart to the door, like he's going to leave. 

"i mean it," taako insists. (always used to work with sazed.)

"taako," magnus says. "maybe we just need to take a break from eachother, huh? it seemed like whatever happened before was building up for a while."

and that's the thing-- it wasn't. he woke up and magnus said some things and they made him irrationally angry and he said some things back. 

but taako doesn't know how to explain that. "i-" 

"i just think that's the best thing for us right now." magnus chips his nail polish. 

taako stares at magnus's nails. just two days ago. 

"but."

magnus moves to stand up. 

he can fix this. he can do it right, this time. 

"it wasn't you."

magnus's eyes dart to him and he sits back down, still on the edge of his seat. 

"i just woke up and everything was making me angry and i don't know why it happens, i don't. and i yelled at you for no reason and you didn't even fight back. you didn't fight back." taako's voice climbs in volume until it shakes. 

"i wasn't angry at you. i was just," magnus bites his lip, "confused?"

taako closes his eyes, his stomach churns. (what is that?) guilt?

"i didn't know why you were angry at me," he continues. guilt. 

"i wasn't angry at you, i just. get like this sometimes and usually i try to keep to myself but it hasn't happened in a while and i thought i could just ignore it but then. i kept thinking and i remembered something and i don't know- i don't- i'm sorry maggie. i really am."

magnus looks at him. it feels like he's searching for something. "i get it."

(he doesn't.) "you do?"

"well, uh, not really," magnus admits, chuckling, "but it makes more sense now?"

taako closes his eyes and bites the inside of his cheek. 

"i'm not angry at you, taako. it's okay. you don't even have to be sorry."

(don't have to be...) "what?"

"you don't have to be sorry. you hurt me and i was confused but you said you didn't mean it and that's it"

"but, that's just it. i hurt you."

"yeah, but you didn't mean to." 

taako laughs incredulously, "no, but i did. i yelled at you over nothing but i did it on purpose. i wanted to yell. i wanted to get in a fight."

"sometimes i feel like i want to get in a fight too, like an old instinct or something. but how about next time you just talk to me and if you want to yell you just tell me so."

"that's too simple," taako says, voice weak. 

"julia was kind of like that too, you know." magnus looks at his hands again, but in that way he does when he talks about julia, not like he's avoiding taako's eye. (relief?) still guilt. "she'd get angry over nothing but we'd just sit down and breathe and she'd-" magnus laughs, "have a cup of tea or paint our nails and, well," he takes a breath, "we could just do that."

(it can't be that simple for you.) why not? (don't you remember? sazed? all the people who left you?) this is different. (why?) because it's him. 

"does that sound okay?"

taako looks at his nails. there's a speck of paint still left on one of them from last week when magnus painted them. 

(it can't be that easy.) "yeah, that sounds alright, big guy." he holds his hand up, "could we start right now? my nails are looking pretty shitty."

magnus smiles. "yeah, we can start now."

\--

and somewhere else, in another world, in another life, over 100 years ago,

"do you think she hates me, taako?" lup says. she's shaking. she's holding onto taako's arm with both hands. 

"no," taako rolls his eyes. they are still young. 

"she said she has to give me away because i'm getting too old, but i think it's because i yelled at her." lup bites her lip. her eyes are darting all over the room, searching for something but never finding it. 

"no, she just-"

"i can still apologize, and she'll keep us. i know she will. i know how much you love her, taako, i don't want you to have to go too. i can just say i'm sorry," she grabs taako by the shoulders and shakes him. "i can still say i'm sorry, right?"

"yeah, lup, but-"

"no, taako. i don't want you to hate me too," her voice is raised and trembles. her eyes start to fill with tears. she buries her head in taako's shoulder and shakes. 

"as long as we're together, i don't care where we are, you know that," taako murmurs. 

"but she was teaching you all those things, about cooking and magic and-"

"we'll learn that stuff somewhere else," taako says. he is sure of it. in this moment, he is more sure of it than anything. 

they will move on from here, and they will be happy, somewhere else.

**Author's Note:**

> i just feel like taako would've come out of being passed from relative to relative & the whole sazed deal w some Maj Trauma and massive (!!!) trust issues. and i know it's mentioned that he does have trouble trusting people in canon but i feel like realistically it'd be a bit worse than it's portrayed in canon. 
> 
> so. there was that. sorry i havent written that taakitz thing. i will soon. 
> 
> kudos and comments are rad. you can find me @margaritaville on tumblr.


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